Really , really , really .

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Days

Been few days and weeks , myself seem still fighting the way out . I'm happy go lucky for now . Got word that I wish to say in here but I can't . How possible for me to forget the nice moment that had happen in my life journey . How possible for me to leave , I can't I won't . Important thing and moment in my life , I will remember it forever . I keep everything in a book for writing and box for keep things . I will never lose every second of my nice moments . He keep say ' time will heal or cure ' , I do believe that . In the mean time , there's still several things that hardly for me to get off from mind . I can't stop . Readers , come and slap my face to fire up my strength . Readers , you been so loyal by viewing my blog to see got new story or new picture or not . I love my readers . Thanks for being loyal to my blog . I'm sorry if i'm being sad or being foolish .

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Unspoken Words

Too many word , thought and feeling that can't be speak out and describe out . Mind that should be calm down , suddenly surround by unwanted thought same go with the feeling . You never know , actually nobody will know . These people seem happy or cheerful at outside but the truth inside only God know how it feel . Tears ? Only let it out when the right time arrive . I thought is easy to pass all this , but actually not really for me but i'm still trying to get out of this nightmare . But i still manage to create myself back , one part of me only be back again which is the gamer side , the others part still searching and creating back . It eat a lot of time to make it back to pieces again . Now i learn new lesson about life which may help me to get out of this nightmare . Love ? Only love of God , family and friends . The truth of me , only God and myself know about it . Last night , he say he already make decision to change our name like last year , you know how heavy is my heart to hear it and to go and change it . Only God , how pain when i change the name . Left blog , i haven't change but i won't change a bit about the blog . Let the memories be in blog .

Alexithymia

Meaning , difficulty describing feelings to other people .

Yeah , i'm having that kind of problem now . Sometime tell , sometime don't . But still tell . Even if i tell , maybe people or person hardly to understand but nevermind i just keep it in myself and is hard but i done it . Even sometime the feeling come back but i still manage to control it .

I miss put the Book . Oh my God , how could i miss put it ? Some more i need that Book so much because i write everything inside of it . But nevermind about it , now i just start to collect novel yesterday i bought a novel "The Book of Tomorrow" , this novel is kinda suit me and my life . So far i kinda like it .

Stay tune for the next post from me .

For you and me .

Today , in the afternoon he bring me along to his classmate birthday at tawau citi club . I'm so glad because he bring me along . But most of the time when in car , I show a feeling which I should not show because he dislike when I in that feeling . Actually i'm not sad but touched because we can hang out again . When you said my face look dissapointed because I want to spend more time with you but that time so limit so I need to understand . Adelson , i'm sorry for be in that kind feeling . I promise will be happy like I used to be . I will . One more , please don't ignore me . When you ignore me , it's hurt in heart . Maybe I can't not contact with you in one day or more . Perhaps I can't and i'm sorry . Just that I miss you , that's why .

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I hate this feeling , this feeling keep coming back to me and i already put it aside and get rid but it still appear in my heart . What should i do ? This feeling really hurt me and my mind , i don't want to have this feeling but why it keep coming back . It's hard to get rid of it , and once again i need to get rid of it . I need much more effort to get rid of it . Maybe is true with what i read in article , the deepest feeling is hard to get rid of , at first can get rid but when wanna keep on get rid it become more hard to get rid . But nevermind , i still will try to get red of it .

Mom's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day .

Yeah , i love you mummy . You're the perfect mummy for me , you're always there for me when i was happy , sad or sick . You always be by my side , help me with something new like cooking , do housework . And because of you , i become more mature in life and work . You the one teach me since i was born , teach me how to read , write and potty train . Without you , mummy i can't be a grow up girl , sure i still like a blank paper don't how to do this and that . Thanks you , mummy for your love and care to me . I really appreciate and proud to have a mummy like you . Here by i wanna wish you Happy Mother's Day to you and all the mom in the universe .

Screw up

Blogging here again . Everyday just face blog , update blog , thinking what to post . Today , nothing extraordinary happen , just deja vu things . He still haven't reply text or text me but still i'm waiting for him to text or call . I never get tired of waiting , perhaps he mad or piss off because of me about the cheat engine but i didn't meant to no tell him about it but didn't prove that i'm lied . I just didn't tell , please don't get mad . And please don't ignore me . It feels hurt when you ignore me and when you didn't reply my text . I'm begging here , please forgive me and i really sorry from bottom of my heart . I know what you feel last night and now but i didn't meant to make you feel that way . This is all my fault for you feeling like that and i'm sorry . I really want us be good again and like used to be . Please we don't argue again . I hate if we argue each other . For not telling you is my fault and i won't repeat the same mistake . Please forgive me ;(

First of all , i didn't mean to lie or not to tell you because i care your feeling thats why i don't want to tell . And about the cheat engine , i didn't mean not to tell but is just about hack for game please don't be so mad or piss off . I didn't tell because i'm not sure the cheat engine will work in DDTank in Facebook or not . I wanna make sure first it work or not , if work then only i tell . It work on DDTank website as i know . I'm not a liar , i didn't have the heart to lie you , is true from my heart . You must believe me . I'm sorry for not to tell you because myself also not sure about it . What if i tell you then suddenly it didn't work out sure you will piss off . Once again , i'm sorry ;(

Relieve

Today , is the third of May . Time pass so fast , just now at afternoon is my JPJ Test for the second time and finally i pass it next i need to wait for my license P , perhaps within this week . Next task will be my LCCI Exam , dizzy much keep thinking about this exam , revision and blah blah blah . I just have to pray hard and study hard to pass it . Now every morning i need to face the same fact and dilemma again and again , i having trouble with the appetite in the early morning , but when come to afternoon i become a super big eater again . I try not to addict with any pills . Hope that i can gain weight and get chubby in healthy way . I may seem weak to your guys but i'm strong enough to settle with everything . Next monday i'm going to somewhere after i register into form 6 and i will miss few of my book keeping classes , oh no i'm dead because teacher will do revision . Then no class replacement . Seem that i need to revision on my own . With love , bebe !

Undefined

First of all , he tell me that i got being offer in lower six at Smk Tawau . Thanks for informing me , i appreciate your kindness . So , i will be going to register on 9 May at 9 in the morning with full set of school uniform . Why this is hard for me ? Seem like got something messing with me , not human being . Like something keep trick my mind and feeling . Don't disturb me , i won't follow . No wonder this lately i keep dream about death , sure is monster give me nightmare like those . I hate it , just because of it i think death near me . Stop playing with me . Can't you just let me calm down . Do monster really want me die then only stop playing or trick with me ? I begging please stop . Tomorrow will attend my JPJ test for license and hope this time i can pass . And my LCCI exam will be coming in 1 month and teacher give us lot of homework . Stress out man . But for our own good also . I'm trying to be happy go lucky person , almost everytime or every where i sing sing sing , didn't care surrounding but just sing . My sing mood is on left game mood haven't on *sigh . Life life life , please don't too hard on me . I will get burn if too hard . Next , i really awkward this lately because i become super big eater , is there something wrong inside of me . Because i seldom become a big eater unless i accomplish task but now i didn't accomplish anything yet . What's happening to me ?

Attitude

Talking about attitude , is my attitude actually .  This lately i easily get angry with small matter ,  it seem that i need to change to less angry . If about my sensitive , is in my blood actually so it mean hard for me to change my natural attitude but i just will try the best to be not easily be sensitive . I'm feeling that he start to keep far distance from me , even we are best buddy but sometime i feel alone and lonely . In that time , i don't know what to do and only know wait text or call from him . See , i'm get used to it . Don't blame me for me being like this . But still i try my best to be the cheerful one like i always be . This year been a though year for me , sometime i almost hardly to pass through but i just slowly pass . In life , we can't predict what will coming next or happen next and i learn my lesson to get ready for every possibilities . God will never give us the challenge that hard for us to settle or pass through . I getting up with my own feet even my life kinda reckless but i can still be happy . Even i'm a cry baby and like sit at the corner of my room , doesn't mean i can't live it up . I know got people hate me do like that , but i change . I don't want be weak anymore . I'm not a loser . I born as a fighter and will fight as a fighter . I believe in faith .

12:28am

I'm still healing myself . Guess that myself can't accept all fact that happening to me , is hard for me . But for him , he's make it out and be normal for several days . I just say to him , that i will live life without feeling sad , but i know i can't do so but i just try my best . I'm so sensitive that's why hard for me , unlike him so easy heal because he don't love me too much or perhaps no love at all . He said that i can still know more about him but he just lied . All the word during the day when i'm in pain and hurts , all the word he said maybe just to comfort me and didn't meant it . He said he won't tired or bored making me be like i used to be but seem that he tired or bored say the same things , he didn't meant it from heart . All just to comfort me , just to make me okay . Then when i feel okay , he start to change . All the powerful word or sentence , he didn't meant it . This make me hurt much and cry again , i thought by seeing he say like that or do like that i will be okay but after i know all the word back meaning , i feel hopeless again . He just pity toward me . He didn't really want to help me Perhaps religion different , thats why he treating me differently . Am i'm worst for him to treat me like this ? I thankful for knowing him and i never regret for knowing him . He good for me . Even the way he treat me which make me hurt , i don't mind at all because that's him .