I miss you more than anything . I’ve never missed someone so much in my life ;(

I feel lost without you . When you’re not with me , I just don’t know what to do . Things don’t seem real .

I'm scare of being alone but what it turn out i'm used to it .

Get ready for every possibility that may happen .

Get ready for every possibility that may happen .

Bebe oh Bebe , be happy and cheer self up . Everything will be turn out okay . Just be patient .

Tomorrow sleep and hardly can wake up .

System Down

Indeed myself is down , my book keeping homework haven't do yet because got some of question i kinda not understand and need to ask teacher again so i only do one question . I find that book keeping is getting hard and hard and if come to exam , i don't know can i pass it or not . Now , about my driving lesson i already attend four hours so left four hours and yet i haven't learn parking and mountain . Sometime i'm still panic , i hope i can get my car license ASAP . By the way , kiddo already get healthy and he already get his result and now he busy with his stuff . I won't mind if he busy with important things because i understand . While he busy , i only talk to baby blog what i feel and i do . Tonight got class , i hope teacher won't get mad because i didn't do two question that teacher ask . This lately , i feel awkward with my condition , every morning head become super heavy and just like being hit . Oh , what the heck , i'm doing fine , nothing to worry about . Every night , i look up and see sky and star to calm myself down and try to ease away the lonely feeling . I wish i can cry out my heart but i just can't . I smile and laugh because i don't want feel sad . I been keep thinking a lot , i almost think of everything . I kinda feel frustrated and don't know why . I'm losing my mind and i'm killing my mind .

This picture makes me cry so much.

What about the person that has to find your body, surrounded by blood?
What about the terror and pain that they’ll have to remember for the rest of their lives?
What about them having to feel guilty for being “too late” every day of their lives?
What about them holding your body and screaming in agony as they can’t even get the strength to leave you to get a phone to call for help?
What about the depression that you’ll leave them in?
What about them having to walk away, their clothes soaked in your blood and their tears?
What about them yelling at your paralytic body “Please live! I love you! I need you! Please.”?
What about all the tears you’ll cause people that you aren’t even aware of?

What the fuck about them?

Life is so fragile, and we fight for it every day —even against our own hands.
When you kill yourself, you’re also becoming a muderer.
You’re killing pieces of the people who love you.
You’re tearing holes into their hearts that can’t even seal with time.

Feel Heart

I barely to explain what i feel in my heart , my impression may not show on my outer self but deeply inside my heart i feel don't , see i hardly can't tell what i feel and actually i also what i feeling right now . My mind just full of thoughts which is about me and kiddo , there's happy thoughts and negative thoughts but i overcome my negative by being think of the bright side . Nowadays , almost every night i didn't sleep at all just because thinking of kiddo and kiddo is still sick and suffer . That's why , i worry about him , everything about him . I just wish that he will get well as soon as possible because i don't want see him suffer . When at night i didn't sleep or hardly can sleep , all i do is listen to sad song and cry non stop . Kiddo , i'm sorry for being like this , i just can't hold on my tears . I'm really sorry for everything . Everyday i wait for you patiently , i never get tired of waiting . Kiddo be strong and fight the illness . I know you can do it . I love you !

14022011

Today is Monday which is Valentine Day . Today I didn't go out to anywhere . I just stay at home do housework and etc . Actually I didn't celebrate valentine at all , I more prefer celebrate anniversary . Kiddo already sick for one week , he got a bit fever and his stomach always full and where he eat bit direct thrown out . As for me , I can't do anything because our house far away . I'm sorry dear . And you no need to be sorry because we can't go on a date for our first valentine . I won't blame you . Don't worry about me , now is think what to do to make you healthy again . Kiddo don't think or say negative stuff like what you said when we on the phone . Kiddo get well soon .

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Survey Once Again

Do you live in a house, an apartment or other ? 

- House , home sweet home .


Do you have any pets ? What are they ?


- Yes , is a bunny called Leon .


Are you still in school? If so, what year ?


- Finish my SPM and now attend part time course .


What is your favorite food ?


- That'll be LASAGNA . yumyum !


 What is your favorite color ?

- For sure is white color .


Do you believe in love at first sight ?


- Kinda xp

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream ?


- Chocolate for sure .


What is your favorite kind of pizza ?


- Salmon pizza . 


What is your favorite school subject ?


- Mathematics .


What is your favorite book ?

- Twilight Novel .


Are you afraid of heights ?


- Sometime yes , sometime no .


Can you swim ?


- Not really , i just now how to dive . LOL !


How many siblings do you have ?


- Include me , all three .


If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be ?


- PARIS , the city of love !


Have you ever texted while driving ?


- Never ever . 


Do you believe in God ?


- Yes , i do believe .


Do you prefer the beach or the mountains ?


- I more prefer the beach .


Are you right or left handed ?


- I'm a Righty .


Are you wearing any jewelry ? If yes, what ?

- Ring and Magnetic Bracelet .


What is your favorite day of the week ?


- That will be Saturday .


How old are you right now ?


- Eighteen but not official yet .


Are you happy with your life ?


- Super duper happy :D

Extra Awesome

Today the weather rainy rainy and the environment kinda cold . At 10 in the morning , kiddo come and fetch me to go for a badminton . As soon we arrive , we direct go inside and see got empty court or not and glad got empty space so we play for an hour . After half an hour , kiddo start not feeling well and feel want to thrown out and we take a break or rest . Kiddo face look not well and he say his body cold , of course he look not well because he sick . After feel well a bit , he still want to play so we decide to play after then the same thing happen . As for me i massage his arm and warm his ear . After he feeling well and can drive , we drive to Kubota Square to have lunch , we decide to eat at Relaxing Cafe , after order food , he say he got stomachache . And then suddenly he okay again . Next , we go to Giant because i want to buy credit for my cellphone , he not follow me , suddenly he talk through speaker and saying " wo ai ni , mwah " and me totally shock . OMG ! I just laugh and laugh about it . He really indeed stare my eyes which i hardly can't stare back .

Entire Family Dinner

Tonight is entire family chinese new year dinner at Golf Club . Actually there not much talk about and in the same time i keep take picture of the food since i love food so much . The adult , order at vegetable , which call peria in malay . When it arrive at the our table , we didn't touch it or eat it . Only the adult eat it , by the way adult and teen and kid sit at different table . The adult sit together while the teen and kid sit together and for sure our table .   Later the food picture will upload ASAP , the internet line is real slow like a snail .

First Day of CNY

Today the first day of CNY , still got the chance to update . Well today not really busy actually , just went to dad cousin house and aunt Donna house , all eat eat eat . HAHA . Today i got snap few picture of me , and for fun . Just now , i accidentally fall down and hurt my right knee and if kiddo know for sure he will say " Don't know how to take care ownself " Don't worry dear , i'm doing fine . Just mini hurt . While at dad cousin house , got one dog which fluffy , make me just wanna hug it , it name is Ball Ball . Odd and unique . HAHA !

Heart

Thank God , everything is turn out fine . Glad enough now , we decide not to think about it . At future then only decide . Everything is fine now .

Thinking

For the whole day i been thinking . What will he do after this . What he thinking right now . Which decision he will choose or made . In the same time i been waiting for his answer , and i also afraid . Currently i just listen to this two song Hyun Bin - That Man and 4Men ft Mi - Here I Am and sing my heart out . I'm still waiting for his text , wait patiently . Just now , glad got Yanie who accompany me and i can share with her and she keep give advice for me and i appreciate her for what had she done . At least i got someone to talk to , i been hold my tears from the whole day , i just can't hold it anymore but i can't show my sadness in front of my family . Now , i will fight for our love and i will try everything i could and if he still can't , i decide to let him go . And i know this real tough for me to do so , what for if he can't . I rather deep hurt and fall deep into the darkness . Now , what i eat or drink , i can't taste anymore . All i can feel is my heart , and me keep hit my chest and i feel my heart had been pull out of my chest . Did you know how hurt is that but silly me i don't mind at all . The more i say , the more i sad . People at outside see firework and i didn't go out and see . What for i go and see , i can't feel happiness anymore . All i feel is sadness and empty-ness . My face start to become pale , and inside of me is dying . I didn't take my medicine at all . I don't care anymore , all i care is him him him . Now it seem that , i'm no anybody for him anymore and i accept it because family do come first and i respect about that . Even he didn't tell me his answer yet , it's obvious that he forcing himself to leave me . Before he tell me the answer , better i'm the one let go and get lost . I almost reach at end , this mean is the end of me .
 Adelson if you reading this and your answer is not like what i said , do tell me because i'm still waiting .

Falling

Last night , he call me awhile and we start to text and the way we text is not like we usual to , in other meaning didn't LOL and etc . Last night text was real awkward and hurt because of that i cry all night long till now i still want to cry but i just hold my tears . I wish i won't face this kind situation but myself already know one day i will face this situation that i can't deny . I think the solution for this condition and i got it but i don't know how to tell him how it's work . Until now both of us still feel empty and don't know how to describe our feeling for now . The problem between is our different will be an obstacle and maybe will be family objection . This is real tough for us . In case i need to get hurt for the second time , i take decision to shut down my facebook , twitter and everything except my blog . I refer to stay in darkness where people can see my real faces and emotion . And now i already deep hurt , i fall too deep which i scare no one will catch me indeed no one will catch me . While i'm typing this story , i cry and cry , i just let my tears fall and no one will wipe my tears , is okay . Even now i use the hand plaster , plaster my heart and i know that won't heal my heart . I'm feel like dying people , i didn't eat well and drink well and last night i didn't sleep at all . I'm not torture myself . I'm taking decision may will lead to good for him and the decision that i only know . Adelson , i'm sorry for everything and for making my own decision . It may hurt myself but i don't care anymore . I'M SORRY .

Nothing

There's nothing else i can do and say . Actually i already apologize about last night and everything that needed to be apologize but it seem that he still didn't reply my text or answer my call . That really seem that he ignoring me ,  all day long i been holding my cellphone to check if there a call or text from him but none at all but still i wait for him . While waiting my mind pop out a lot of thought of negative but i defend it by thinking positive and being patient . If really he still ignore me , i understand and what to do after that . I try not to let my tears fall but i just can't do so . Is been wonderful being with him and be part of his life , i appreciate everything about him and us . That all i want to say and nothing much to say . Goodbye bloggie .